“I’ve ruined their life!” Stupid divorce thought for today.
An unfortunate consequence of my broken marriage is the loss of an opportunity for my children to be educated at an excellent school. It really was a great school. We simply can’t afford such a school now and my children are the ones who have paid that price. It bothers me a great deal and it’s on my mind an awful lot.
I know kids can do very well no matter what school they attend. There are so many successful people that have come from state run schools or low-end private schools. I know that. I really do. But it’s also an unfortunate truth the school they used to attend provided so many opportunities, experiences and academic support that just isn’t possible in most state schools. I have seen both, worked in both and I know how different it can be.
It’s all my daughter had ever known for seven years, but now it’s gone for her. She was supposed to have seen out her full 12 years of schooling there, or at least that was the plan. Divorce wasn’t in my plan either.
My son was due to start there next year. He won’t get to experience those seven years that his sister did. He will miss out entirely.
Guilt makes me have stupid ‘divorce thoughts’ as I like to call it. Maybe I shouldn’t have bought my house? Maybe I should have given up the idea of buying our own home and used the money to pay for their education instead? Have I done the wrong thing? Damn those stupid divorce thoughts.
These are the moments where I have to take a deep breath, sit back and let rational me take the lead. I need to let rational me speak some sense and knock those stupid divorce thoughts and guilt away. I have to remember that I needed a stable home for my children. Four walls that we could call home and know it’s ours to keep. There’s only so much I can do alone. I have to learn to accept that and be ok with it.
There is a positive in this. It gives me more drive, something to work for and try to achieve. It’s something I’m trying to see with a level head and not beat myself up over. What I can’t stop is the fact that it bothers me, niggles at me and sits in the back of my mind.
I’ve done the best I can. I’ll continue to do the best I can. I’ll work on the belief that I’ve done enough.